leefromfallout

right now there is a girl fast asleep who has no idea how sorry I am...

I had this dream last night. So real I almost feel like this is the dream and what went on whilst I was sleeping actually happened.

We took a boat onto the lake near your house at almost midnight. The one we were terrified of after seeing ’what lies beneath’. It was new years eve. 11:59pm. We held champagne glasses topped to the brim and toasted to every fight that shaped the people we became and to every future fight to come. Fireworks exploded as the glasses clinked. My eyes strayed for a second as I polished off the glass and when I looked back to tell you I loved you, you had gone. Just me in the boat and the champagne glass I’d held in my hand had turned to a note. In your best eyeliner it read “wake up sweetie”

The light shimmered from the chrome surrounding the alarm clock you set to wake you for that interview you couldn’t be late for. That big chance to get what you wanted. That was almost 2 years ago now and every morning I wake at that exact time and think about how I wish I’d had an alarm for my big chance, so I wouldn’t have been late. So I wouldn’t have missed out because of the competition. These days even the duvet is enough to hold me down and my eyes hurt like hell at this hour.

Swear its true and I’ll believe you.

If I told you I could bend light and make your grey skies white again would you believe me?

Promises of a phone call to catch up soon. I won’t hold my breath, the blue of my cheeks wouldn’t match the red trim of my eyes.

Baby don’t be so cryptic all the time, say how you feel.

Isn’t this so much more fun though?

Not when you’re still so blue.

Go laugh at the moon, he’s faking it and the sun is hiding more skeletons than the cemetery.

Hello my name is lee and these are my friends ‘flaws’

This is the bed where all of my decisions are made lately. The make(out) or break(out) bed. Lately all of my headaches are coming from my chest. Swallowing chewable “apologies” to get this over faster. I can literally feel my fingertips tingling, her eyes are fronting a ‘do not touch’ sign loud and clear.

I can’t begin to explain just how badly I want to remove every tongue from every mouth that has spouted a rumour about me in the last few months. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see sweetie. Excuses don’t cut the mustard, this is top flight relationship season and I’m sitting mid-table right about now. Truth is I just don’t care anymore. I honestly don’t have it in me to fight for this.

I tell her how I’m not going to write these stupid journals anymore. The only reason I posted in the past was because I was so sure people had stopped reading them and I had a place to vent discreetly. Everything I have ever penned has only come back to bite me. I have backed myself into every corner. I’m on first name terms with many a brick round these parts. I have been misunderstood more times than I have understood. Honestly I am tired. Really tired. All round.

“I just wish I could bring ‘you’ back”. I can almost taste her tears. I’ve never seen her this way before. We’ve had the best fights, we’ve said the harshest things and yet always kept our cool about it. I tell her that I honestly don’t know who I am anymore. Such a cliché but I’m not here to innovate. Just retaliate. that’s how its been as of late at least.

“I swear to god I’m going to walk out of that door this time and you can just go back to playing away in your stupid fucking band. I know that means so much more than I ever could”

I guess the jokes on me because I got carried away in thinking I could hold onto her without using both hands.

It almost feels alien right now because I’m used to looking out through the curtain during the awkward silences, filled only with the sound of my pulse keeping time in my wrist, but right now it’s 3:30pm and the sky looks bruised. I want so badly to just find that one sentence, that one string of words that can make this alright. Truth is I exhausted my backup a long time ago. Scraping the barrel with “we can work this out”

I’m going to finish this when I can find exactly what it is to say.

I am constantly backed into a corner because of my condition.Yeah a “condition”. self diagnosed. self-destructive. self-medicated. Self centred. no pills can cure this.

It’s almost 1am. He talks to the moon from his pillowcase, aiming his whispered words towards the skylight.

“please tell me how to fix this”.

The moon opens his eyes softly and smiles as if he already knew.

“boy, you have been drowning so long that it’s for sure you cant be saved”

“but all I want is to feel anything. Anything at all, even if it’s only how cold the water is inside my lungs”

“goodnight bright eyes…”

“I’ll give anything, please?…”

The moon closes his eyes and fades darker behind glowing stars. The sky feels darker, colder.

So he lies awake. He’s sorry. So sorry. Still not sure what for though.

He pictures the few sets of eyes that made an impact on his life. The same ones he cut the ties that held the bridge together with. The eyes that he was so scared would reflect back his own flaws that he kept his closed. Once he opened them again he realised they would never see the same.

It’s easy to follow the trail back to where this all started. The day he became so self destructive. The day “he” died and “him” was born.

He is a prime example of the side effects of love.

I can’t cry but I‘ve never felt sadder in my life. I laugh but I’m not sure I get the joke. I get angry but just don’t care about what it is that’s making me scream. I try to write from the heart but I feel like I’m scraping the sides of the walls now and I’m not sure how much I have left. I’m scared I won’t ever have anything more to fill it with. The people I’m pushing furthest away are the ones I need around right now. I’m falling in and out of love everyday because I need attention but not the reality of a relationship and the idea of being left again.

I’m telling far too many secrets to my dashboard lately. The roads must have over-heard me talking because they’re gossiping behind my back. Honestly, I’ve seen more night skies than daytime ones lately.

I wish I could put everything into one sentence. But I can’t. my life is too many full stops.

Cutting ties. Telling lies.

So we’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s dark as hell. We have this spot that nobody knows about or could ever find in a million years. It’s “our” spot. You’re totally hidden and you can see the stars perfectly. It’s kinda like your own little place where you’re invisible to the rest of the world. Or at least that’s how it feels. We’re on the backseat. I’m sat tight up against the side of the car next to a speaker that’s playing tracks built for the cool kids stereos.

That sure is a mighty fine story you have their Mr guitar player, a beautiful melody, but how about some fucking relevance? These stories just don’t seem sincere either. Feels like everybody who’s writing heartache are really the ones causing it and yet the real heartbroken are sat in darkened bedrooms late into the night trying to find the right words to explain it. Trust me.

Anyway. She’s lay across the seats with her knees up and her head resting in my lap. Both our eyes are facing up and the stars. Whoever invented the sunroof is a king. My hand rests inside hers. It's silent. This is the part where I’d say something really awesome, like how I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now. Except that never happens. I always funnel whatever is going through my head, missing the filter completely.

“you realise that if an asteroid was heading for earth it wouldn’t be like the movies…”

“what do you mean?”

“well, in the movies you always see people stood watching this burning bright light in the sky coming towards them, there’s some slow music playing in the background and the camera pans to two lovers sharing one last kiss”

“yeah?”

“well these things are travelling at like 15 miles a second. That’s hypersonic. Seriously they are glowing like violet hot. It would be a millionth of a second you’d be able to see it for. Plus if you could see it, the heat being generated from it would turn to ash right where you stood.”

“oh”

I know she doesn’t really care but there’s something inside me that hopes deep down she’s as big a geek as me.

Finally it’s started. The meteor shower that happens the same time every year. Visible for like 3 nights but incredible on only one of them. That’s tonight. It kinda stops your heart when you see one. That piece of rock about the size of a grain of sand that looks as if a tear is being made in a black cloth draped in front of a bright light. It’s like 2am and I am so close to falling asleep but I just wanted her to see them.

When she speaks, stars fall from her lips and light up every single word she says.

I fall asleep. Dreams feel more like home. The sky is black here. Not like the city sky coloured by streetlights.

The moon has a big smile and the saddest eyes you‘ve ever seen. He looks nothing like he does in all the books.

He looks tired.

He whispers to me. “boy you’re drowning”. I whisper back “I know, please don’t tell anyone”.

He smiles and closes his eyes.

Out here everyone is talking at me. i can't hear them but i'm lip reading like a champ.

Breathe in. no, deeper. Deeper. Deeper still. Hold it.

That feeling right now is how the last 2 months has felt for me...




i promise i'll have a long list of random coming your way tomorrow night livejounal people x

Red outlines and black umbrellas around my eyelids from staring at screens. I’m still waiting for that box to open up with “hello” but so far the “goodbye” displayed on the stereo as I switch off the power is the only conversation in the room. I’m desperate for something to grab me and make me feel something new.

It’s one big endless summer when all I need is to feel cold right now. I’m burning up inside. I find it’s easier to breathe under the water and the bottom of the ocean is the softest pillow for the heaviest of heads.

So there’s this girl. She’s beautiful. She fits just right when you hold her but you can’t hold her too long otherwise she knows how nervous and ridiculous you are. She’s one of those girls who you find it hard to hold eye contact with because you feel she can read your mind and can tell how there is a war waging inside your head between the “kiss her” and “don’t risk it” armies. I honestly don’t know who I’m backing yet.

I find myself thinking about her all the time. Even the park benches are whispering her name.

I haven’t got many secrets left. Most of mine are written, sung then denied.

Damn kid you really believe in yourself? Yeah well I used to believe in dragons once too.

These little ‘whatever they are’ journal entries keep her filled in with how I’m feeling since I’m always away or just a voice down a phone line from behind white lines on motorways. She says I should write a book. I think it would be too far-fetched and the story line wouldn’t be believable.

I am that daytime TV show that’s so awful it’s almost tragic, yet I’m commissioned without fail and she’s begging to know what happens next.

I am a martyr

I just need a cause